"I'm Doing All The Right Things, But Love Still Isn't Coming"

If you've ever said this to yourself, this one's for you.

I've been welcoming new members into the Turning community over the past few weeks, and I've noticed a pattern. When women introduce themselves and share what led them here, so many of them say some version of the same thing:

"I'm doing all the right things, but nothing is working."

"I'm doing all the right things, but love still isn't coming."

I see it in my clients, I hear it in DMs... and honestly, it was something I struggled with too when I was in this chapter. So today I want to unpack that phrase because I think there's something important hiding underneath it.

Is there such a thing as "doing all the right things"?

This is nuanced. On one hand, I don't believe we should just sit back and be passive when it comes to searching for love. That wasn't my journey, and I know it's not yours either. If you're even reading this, it's because you're proactive, you love self-development, you want personal growth.

But here's what we sometimes forget: with love, there is no rhyme or reason to how and when things happen. And that can be extremely frustrating.

We're taught that if we work really hard at something, we'll get the return we want. Usually, that's true. Work hard in your career, get the promotion. Be a good friend, see those relationships come back to you. Behave well in school, get the gold star...

But love doesn't work like that.

Time and time again I talk about the randomness of love, the serendipity involved, our own unique divine timing that we just can't control. And for women in their 30s who are successful, ambitious, proactive, the frustration of putting in work and not getting the return you want at the time you want can be really disheartening.

I'm an overachiever. When it came to love, I thought: I'm going to do all of the things. Throw myself into dating. Throw money at the problem. Think about it constantly, talk about it constantly. Of course that's going to create the result I want.

I learned quite quickly that this isn't how love works.

A big part of finding love is understanding that it isn't transactional. It's not linear, and it's definitely not a return on hard work. There's an element where you have to surrender and accept that love will come in the time it's supposed to come. So when I hear "I'm doing all the right things and love isn't coming," I think it's actually a cover phrase. Underneath it is frustration, fear, impatience... Maybe even cynicism.

What are the "right things" anyway?

When people say this, what they usually mean is: I'm enjoying my 30s. I'm solo traveling. I'm accepting where I am. I'm actively dating, on the apps, going to events. These are all practical things we can do. But here's what I want you to think about: Are you doing those things because you genuinely want to do them? Or are you doing them because you think they're supposed to lead to love? There's a huge distinction.

When we do things secretly hoping they'll give us the return we want, it's not actually our truth. It's not being our authentic self. That's why so much of my work is about understanding your authentic self in your 30s. How do you like to spend your time regardless of being in a relationship? What lights you up? This matters whether you're single or partnered, because when you're in a relationship, you still have the same brain, the same wants, the same needs.

So make sure you're not doing the "right things" just to call in love. It has to be because you genuinely want to do them.

The one thing you can control

You're probably thinking: Emma, you're saying I can put in all this hard work and not get any returns. What's the point?

I know that feels frustrating. But here's the thing you can control: how open and available you are to receive love. Desire for love isn't the same as openness to love. We can think we really want something, but that desire often comes from societal expectations, timelines, comparison, conditioning. All your friends are doing the same thing, why aren't you?

And even when the desire is genuine, it doesn't always correlate with how open and unblocked and ready we actually are.

Let me tell you about my personal experience:

As most of you know, Ellie and I were friends before we got together. He had tried to come into my life as a romantic partner, and I turned him down. If you had spoken to me during that time, I would have told you I was looking for someone to start a family with. I wanted marriage, babies, everything.

But the truth is, those things scared the shit out of me.

I had just come out of a really bad relationship. I had a lot of internal wounds and healing to do before I was open enough to let him in. So when Ellie offered to go for a drink, even though there was clearly something more bubbling underneath, I genuinely told myself "this isn't the person for me."

Looking back, I know my heart was just closed. That's why I kept going for emotionally unavailable men and ignoring those who were aligned for me.

None of it made sense at the time. If you'd asked me, I would have said I was doing all the right things. But I was burnt from a toxic relationship that had whittled away my self-worth and self-confidence. I truly felt like I didn't deserve an emotionally intelligent, open, communicative man who had his shit together.

The way I realized this was through deep inner work. Coaching. Therapy. Journaling. Asking myself: if I desire something so badly, why am I blocking the good things?

Openness is the real work

If there's one "right thing" you can do to call in love, it's being open to love. Unblocking those channels. Disarming yourself.

If you're a woman in your 30s who has gone through things (and I know most of you have), there is baggage there. There are blocks to uncover. Beliefs from childhood, from your relationship with your parents, teachers, colleagues, caregivers. All of it contributes to how you truly believe you're worthy of love.

Here's a way to test how you really feel about welcoming a partner into your life:

Imagine I hand you an envelope. Inside is a relationship. You wake up tomorrow living with a partner. You're past the honeymoon phase and building a life with this person.

What comes up for you?

Is it instantly "oh my god, yes, this is what I want"? Or is there a whisper of "that sounds really scary"? Maybe you're afraid to give up your life as it is now. Maybe you're wondering if this person could even meet you where you are. What about your career? Sharing a bed? Having to coordinate with someone every single day?

Whatever comes up, make a mental note. Our desire for something we don't have often overwhelms the truth about how we feel.

How to deal with the frustration

So we've established there's no such thing as "the right things." But you're in my community. You know the practices I believe in: journaling, meditation, breath work, investing in yourself, solo travel, not sitting around waiting.

What do you do when you're doing all of those things and love still isn't coming?

Release. Surrender. Decide that it's okay, that love will come when it's supposed to come, but not a moment sooner.

I've interviewed dozens of women who found love after 35 and later than they expected. The pattern I hear again and again is: "I just truly accepted that I couldn't control the circumstances and I couldn't control when it was going to happen."

If there's anything to work on during this time, it's releasing that control. Releasing the need to know. Trying to stop controlling the future to be exactly as you want it to be. And just being more present.

To summarize

Love isn't linear. It's not something we can control.

The way you'll feel better during this chapter is to lean back and accept that this is your single chapter. And then lean forward and enjoy doing the things that genuinely light you up, not because you think they'll lead to love, but because they're authentically you.

The way we truly call in love is to go into deep inner work. To understand where we're blocked. To recognize that we have subconscious patterns and beliefs dictating how we show up in our love life.

If there's one thing to work on, it's being more open. More soft. More vulnerable. Disarming yourself when it comes to calling in a relationship.

Because openness is what leads to love.

If you're ready to do this work in community, the Turning membership is open for new members. It's a monthly subscription for women in their 30s who are calling in their next relationship but don't want to sit around and wait for things to happen.

Download my free journal guide to get started with the inner work.

Follow me on Instagram @turning30coach for more.

With love, Em x